Author’s Notes: Howdy, South Parketeers!

South Park © Trey & Matt; Infra-Red © Placebo

-X-

One last thing before I shuffle off the planet
I will be the one to make you crawl
So I came down to wish you an unhappy birthday
Someone call the ambulance, there’s gonna be an accident!

-x-

There’s Gonna Be an Accident

“GAH! A party?!” Tweek jittered in his chair and his eye twitched. “No way, man! What if your – nrgh! – parents find out? That’s way too much pressure!”

“It’s a three-day weekend, Tweek. We can’t just sit around on our asses and let it go to waste,” said Craig while he poured another cup of coffee for his boyfriend.

“Yeah, besides, my parents are going on a business trip. It’s the perfect opportunity. They’re leaving Friday night and they aren’t coming back ‘till Wednesday,” Token explained.

It was a Thursday evening and Craig and his crew were gathered at his house to discuss details of said party. Craig’s parents were out for the evening so they were left to plan without parental interference. While Token’s house was further out than the rest of their homes, he did have the latest in game, video, music, and all around entertainment technology. Not to mention his parents just had an indoor heated pool installed.

“Video games are a must,” Craig insisted. “Stan said he can bring his PS2. I’m bringing my Xbox 360, that plus Clyde’s in case we want more players. Hey, Token, you got a Wii for Christmas, right? We need to find somebody else who’s got one.”

“I think Eric has one,” Butters said, slightly distracted by the bowl of fish crackers he was playing with.

“Marjorine, there’s no way Cartman is coming to this party,” Craig growled.

His eyes flew up at the other, now at full attention. “But that’s not fair!” he insisted. “Ya’ll are inviting every other kid in town!”

Tweek set his coffee down. “But Cartman’s a – nng! – douche!” Craig laughed.

“Shut up, butt munches!” Craig’s sister shouted from the other room. She turned up the volume as the Passion Cramps title frame played on the television. “I’m trying to watch my show!”

“No one cares about your stupid soap opera!” he yelled and flipped the younger girl the bird who flipped it right back.

“Man, your family is messed up.” Token’s statement earned him another flash of Craig’s middle finger.

Butters pulled on a red sleeve. “Clyyyyde, Eric should be allowed to come.” His dark lashes fluttered pleadingly at the other boy.

He sighed. “Marjorine, I have to agree with the guys on this one. It’s not like he’s our friend. Why should we invite somebody we don’t even like?”

“Stan, Kyle and Kenny are his friends! Especially Kenny, and you know what that means. Eric’ll find out about the party anyway, and Kenny will help him crash it. You might as well invite him and avoid an awful scene. Besides, maybe if ya do invite him, he’ll turn you down and not even come.”

Clyde thought for a moment and mumbled, “Marjorine has a point…”

“What?!” Craig freaked. “Whose side are you on, man?”

“Think about it. If you don’t invite Cartman, he’s gonna take it personally and will do everything he can to ruin the party. If you do invite him, he hates you enough that he’ll turn you down because he wouldn’t be caught dead at one of our parties. It’s basic reverse psychology.”

“You’re so whipped, dude.”

Clyde slammed his hands on the table. “Shut up Craig! I’m trying to make a point. If we don’t want that fat-ass around, this is what we have to do!”

“Golly, Clyde, calm down,” Butters insisted and gently squeezed his shoulder.

Token quirked an eyebrow. “What’s your damage, man? You have a beef with the guy or something?”

“Who doesn’t?”

“True, but this seems personal.”

Clyde glanced to the side down at the floor. “It’s just something he said… I think he’s spending too much time with Marjorine.”

“Clyde,” Butters wrapped his hands around the other’s arm. “I already told you there’s nuthin’ goin’ on -”

“But you aren’t the one in control, Marjorine! There’s this invisible leash he’s got strapped around your neck and I can’t seem to break it. You’re always going to run to him first!”

“Clyde, that just isn’t true!”

“Where did you go after you got attacked?”

Butters wrung his hands together. “I’ah already explained that to you.” It was a lame excuse saying Cartman’s house was just closer. Butters wouldn’t dare admit he felt safer in the hands of his abuser rather than the boy who was so willing to protect him. What would they think of him? The boy worked hard to earn an adequate reputation. He wouldn’t throw it all away like this.

“But why him of all people?” Clyde raked his fingers through his hair. “What is it about Cartman?!”

“Give him a break man,” Token cut in. “We all do crazy things when we’re traumatized.”

“Yeah, just look at Tweek.”

“Nnngh!”

Clyde frowned. “Whatever…”

Craig leaned back in his chair with his hands behind his head. “Look, you two can get marriage counseling some other time. Right now we need to talk about this party. We’ve got almost thirty people coming. How’re we gonna get enough booze for everybody?”

“Drinking?!” Tweek squawked. “We’re not old enough to d-drink! Oh Jesus! What if someone catches us?” Bony fingers flew up into tangled blonde hair. He pulled so hard the roots began to give way. “We’ll get caught and the cops will come and we’ll all get arrested and we’ll go to jail and out parents will find out! Oh man, the PRESSURE!”

Craig suppressed a groan. “Fine, Tweek, you don’t have to drink. I’ll make sure there’s plenty of coffee for you all right? What about everyone else?”

Token shook his head. “Don’t look at me. My dad will notice if any wine goes missing from the cellar, and he keeps the scotch under lock and key.”

“Oh, I know!” Butters said and waved his hands. “I bet Kevin can get us some!”

“The Asian kid?”

He giggled. “No silly, Kenny’s brother. He’s 21 now isn’t he? I bet he can get us all the drinks we want.”

“Beer’s the only thing that redneck is good for. We’ve got to go all out.” Craig pulled on his hat in frustration. “Doesn’t anybody have any ideas?”

They were all quiet, except for Tweek’s nervous twitching. Token didn’t feel much like contributing beyond the use of his house. Craig had to really twist his arm for that much. All his white-bred friends were used to having parties and their parents were used to them having parties, but Token… not so much. The Black’s liked their son’s friends, just as long as he didn’t bring his friends home. Clyde was still brooding and it was starting to piss off Craig. Butters played with the little curls near his neck. After the silence wore on for another minute, he finally swallowed and spoke.

“I know a guy…” he admitted rather bashfully.

“How do you ‘know a guy’?” the ebony-haired one scoffed.

“I’ah followed mah dad into the slums once when I was little. I’ah started hanging out there a few years ago while I’ah was… confused. I met this guy who owned a liquor store. Well, I’ah, spent a lot of time there with him and his friends. He threw lots’a parties.” Butters could feel everybody’s eyes on him and it was awful. “I don’t want you fellas judgin’ me now. You didn’t care enough back when it mattered, by golly. I was only a shadow ta you… but now that I’m not, I’ah don’t do that anymore. This guy, though, he uh… he owes me one.”

Craig nodded. “So, what can you get us?”

“Jägermeister, Schnapps; cherry, apple, pear, plum, apricot, peach, peppermint, and butterscotch. Beer, cider, kahlua, tequila; oro, blanco, reposado, añejo, and maduro; Amaretto, Absinthe, brandy, Congnac, vodka, whiskey; Scotch, Irish, Japanese, Bourbon, Corn, Tennessee, Rye, and Canadian. Gin and Rum. I can get us stuff for shooters and cocktails too. All I need is Kevin and some cash.”

Clyde’s eyes were a bit wide. “Marjorine…”

“All right!” Craig clapped his hands and crowed. “We’ve got ourselves one hell of a party! Damn, Marjorine, who would have thought you could pull a stunt like that.”

The fair one blushed. “Well shucks, I’m not really proud, but I’ahm glad I could help.” He caught Clyde’s eyes and he wished the boy would stop staring. “You don’t know what it was like Clyde. Cartman made life hell and mah parents only grounded me if I complained. They didn’t know how to help, and I’ahm not gonna blame them for that, but by golly, I needed to escape ta somewhere. Mah dad found relief there, so like a son should, I’ah followed in his footsteps.” Clyde opened his mouth to speak, but Butters cut him off. “Don’t say things that aren’t true. It’s sweet but you wouldn’t mean it. You weren’t my friend back then, nobody was, and I’ahm okay with that, because now I do have friends. That’s what matters.”

Clyde nodded silently with guilt.

The next day all five boys were handing out flyers for the party before lunch period. Tweek only managed to pass out three before Craig took his share because the poor kid dropped his flyers every thirty seconds due to one spam or another. Cartman noticed Butters giving invitations to Jason and Powder. Naturally this peaked his interest.

“Butters.”

“Oh hi, Eric! Boy, that quiz in British lit sure was hard, huh?”

Cartman didn’t feel much like chit-chat and stared directly as the fliers. “Yeah a real ball-buster. So anyway, what do you have there?”

“Oh these?” He drew the papers to his chest. “They’re invitations to a party at Token’s house this Saturday. He’s parents are gonna be out of town so Craig got the idea to have one. It’s gonna be loads of fun. Everybody’s gonna be there.”

“So I take it you’re going then, Butters?” his voiced pitched up a bit in mischievous curiosity.

He smiled excitedly. “Well of course I’ah am!”

“I see. I see. So, Butters, where’s my invitation?”

He frowned apologetically. “Sorry, Eric, I don’t have it. You hav’ta see Craig about that.”

Cartman nodded and turned around without another word to the other. He just waved his hand uncaringly when Butters called out a short goodbye. He found the blue clad one standing outside the cafeteria passing out the fliers as students passed by. Cartman strode up next to Kenny who was talking to the taller boy about promiscuous drinking games. “I hear you’ve got something for me.”

Craig frowned and reluctantly handed over the invitation. “It’s this Saturday at Token’s place.”

A very fake smile spread across Cartman’s face. “Oh look, Kenneh, Craig has invited us to a party! Thank you, Craig. I’m sure we’ll have a real fun time. Can’t wait.”

Blue-grey eyes flew open in shock. That was not the response he wanted. The plan was not going the way he expected.

“This is going to be so sweet!” Kenny exclaimed.

“It sure is, Kenny. So, Craig, are we obligated to bring anything to your little soiree?”

“We, um…” He clenched his teeth and released. “We were wondering if you’d bring your Wii. We have a big game thing planned with a bunch of systems.”

Cartman held his chin as he thought, drawing his contemplation out much longer than necessary. “I suppose I could, but Kyle can’t play with it. I don’t want that dirty Jew getting his little Jew fingerprints all over my system.”

Kenny rolled his eyes and Craig just growled. “Fine, whatever, just don’t forget to bring it.” Unable to stand the heavy one’s presence any longer, Craig trudged into the cafeteria.

“Oh man, did you see the look on his face?” Cartman laughed.

Kenny waved to Stan and Kyle as he followed Cartman to the lunch line. “I’m surprised you even agreed to go.”

“I saw through his scheme. Craig knew if he didn’t invite me I would crash his little tea party. He thought I’d turn down an invitation out of pride and spite.” He proceeded to pile food onto his tray. “Craig’s such an idiot. What made him think I’d turn down an opportunity to piss him off? Gimme five dollars, Kenny.”

“I can’t. I’m poor, remember?”

“Your ghetto family is poor, Kenny. You have whore money. Now gimme five dollars, or I’ll just kick you in the nuts and take it.”

He handed the money over with a deep scowl. Once they paid for their lunches, the pair joined their friends. “You guys get your invites to Craig’s party?” Kenny asked.

Kyle nodded but his expression was reluctant. “Yeah, but I don’t think my mom will let me go. Token’s house is practically in another neighborhood.”

“Dude, you have to come!” Stan insisted.

“Kahl, we’re almost 18 and you still don’t have the balls to stick it to your mother? She’s such a bitch. I don’t know how you’ve put up with it for so long.”

Kyle grimaced at the crumbs of food that flew from the large one’s mouth. He stiffly brushed them off his sleeve before speaking. “Will you stop calling my mom a bitch?! At least she’s not a whore…”

“Aye! At least my mom lets me do what I want!”

“Yeah, and that landed you in prison! Lot of good that did, you’re still a fat asshole!”

“Cut it out you guys.” Stan grabbed Kyle’s shoulder, who was now on his feet in an attack stance. “Look, as awesome as it is to have things like old times, this isn’t helping anything. If you want, I’ll have my mom talk to yours, okay?”

The redhead sat back down on the bench and adjusted his glasses. “Thanks, Stan.”

“Queers…” Cartman mumbled. Kyle heated up once again. Kenny just laughed.

-x-

Craig’s jaw dropped. “You brought your little brother? What the hell man?! He’s a wet blanket.”

Ike crossed his arms and glared at the much taller male through a black fringe that needed to be cut. “I’m standing right here, ya know.”

“Craig, he is not,” Kyle defended. “The only way I could come was to bring him with me. Just point him to the nearest computer. You won’t even know he’s here.”

Craig sighed. “Fine, upstairs in the den.”

“Stupid party, I didn’t even want to come,” Ike grumbled as he trudged down the hall.

“And no hacking!” the older sibling warned. Kyle suddenly flinched when a thick voice met his ears.

“‘Sup you guys?” Cartman watched the Jewish boy rush into the house and then smiled at the one at the door. “Evening, Craig. I brought the Wii. Now if you would be so kind as to point young Kenneth and I to the bar.”

“All we have is soda,” he said. “Marjorine hasn’t shown up with the booze yet.” He closed the door when the other two entered.

Cartman’s posh façade was replaced by disbelief. “You put Butters in charge of the drinks?! Are you retarded or something? What’s he gonna get, Kool-Aid and chocolate milk?”

“Have a little faith, Cartman.” Kenny smiled and stroked the fur on his hood. “Marjorine and my brother went down to the red district. With his connections, Kev’s ID, and my generous donation, we are gonna be swimming in liquor. You’ll see.”

“I’d better be able to taste it soon or else my Wii and I are out.”

“Don’t be such a drag, Cartman.” Kenny snickered and peered up at the other from under his hood. “We’re here to have a good time.” Kenny ran down the hall into the living room where he found a full house. He threw his hood back, shook out his hair and smiled wide. “Who’s ready to party?!” He was answered with a deafening round of cheers.

Another hour and the party was in full swing. Stan, Kyle and Leroy were attempting the high score at Rock Band. They were currently sweating out to Highway Star by Deep Purple. Clyde, Token, Cartman and Timmy (to everyone’s surprise) were engaged in a Halo 3 tournament. Tweek and Craig were playing against Wendy and Anne in Super Smash Bros. Brawl on the Wii. Jimmy posted himself near the snack table. He was wearing his favorite Jay Leno quote t-shirt which read: You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh - it's as simple as that.

Kenny had started up a dance session where a majority of the girls were found. He tried luring Lizzy away from the wall, but ever since her mauling accident with a bear the girl kept herself hidden under a pink hoodie and grey pleated miniskirt. She didn’t budge. Kenny then made the mistake of going after Millie, Lizzy’s girlfriend, which earned him a kick between the legs and called a “Rump Ranger.” The young gigolo spotted Pip leaning against a far wall, hoping to blend in with his plaid flat cap, matching plaid jacket, white t-shirt, and khakis. His bright blue eyes widened when he was pulled from his spot and onto the dance floor. This didn’t bode well with Damien, who emerged from the same dark corner wearing his favorite black sleeveless turtleneck, black pants, multiple rings and crucifix earring, so Kenny invited him into a dancing trio with a pink-cheeked Pip between them.

Roughly twenty minutes later the front door opened. Butters and Kevin walked in with large paper bags in each arm. “We’re here!” Butters announced. “And we’ve got hootch!” Kevin bellowed.

“About time you two got here,” Craig said irritably. “What took so damn long?”

“We had transportation problems,” said Butters.

“Mah car wouldn’t hold everything we bought so I had t’go git mah dad’s truck,” Kevin explained. “There’re six more bags so git yer asses out there and bring ‘em in.”

Kenny came bounding up grinning and giggling like a school girl in a panty store. “Bro, you are the best. C’mon, I’ll show you where the bar is.”

Soon everyone was changed into their bathing suits and gathered around the Tiki bar beside the pool. The liquors were lined up along the counter along with every kind of glass at their disposal. Kenny walked behind the counter and began to speak. “Good evening boys and girls. We’ve had some shits and giggles so far tonight, but it’s time to heat things up. Bebe, darling, would you and your girls be so kind as to join me please?” The Raisins girls lined up on either side of the blonde in their matching bikinis. “Have a thirst that needs quenched? Need to wet your whistle? Want to forget about that horrible test yesterday? We’ll take care of you. We’ve got canned heat, firewater, hard stuff, moonshine, red-eye, rotgut, smoke, tipple and toddy! Those mean alcohol, for all you virgin drinkers. So name your poison!”

It was a show worthy of Vegas. Bottles were stacked, juggled, thrown, twirled, flipped and tipped. There were flames and fountains. There were high-fives, handstand, and the proverbial booby jiggling. They made everything from Zombies to Irish Car Bombs. There were Cocksucking Cowboys, Snake Bites, Cement Mixers, Monkey Glands, Orgasms, Singapore Slings, Chocolate Soldiers, Hanky-Panky, Satan’s Whiskers, White Ladies, Dragonflies, Hairy Virgins, Bloody Aztecs, Screwdrivers, Sex on the Beach, White Russians, Fuzzy Navels, and Jellybeans.

Just to name a few.

Soon the pool was full of drunken teenagers, or as drunk as two or three shots could get you. Cartman jumped in almost crushing a few of his classmates who in turn yelled at him. An obnoxious crow was heard from above where Craig, wearing a disturbingly tight blue Speedo, stood on the high dive. “Aye! Nobody wants to see your nasty junk, man!” Cartman shouted.

As expected, Craig flipped him the bird before diving in. He swam over to Tweek who was sitting at the edge of the pool. “Hey Tweekers, why don’t you get in? The water’s nice and warm.”

“No way man! Don’t you know what kind of chemicals are in there?”

He grabbed Tweek’s feet and played with his toes. “Chlorine?”

“Sure, that’s what they – nngh! – tell you. They put stuff in the water. That’s how they get you! Christ! It gets into your skin and then they can track you!” His gold-green eyes darted in every direction. “I bet they’re watching us right now!”

Craig stared in bewilderment. As many times as he’d heard the paranoid rants he still couldn’t believe them. Finally he just shook his head and laughed. “You worry too much.” With that he grabbed Tweek’s waist and pulled the boy in squawking and flailing.

“Hi Eric.” Butters smiled as he swam over. “This sure is a great party, huh?”

“Wow, you’re actually wearing swim trunks.”

He giggled. “Well of course I’ah am. What did you expect?”

“I don’t know. So where’s your boyfriend?”

“Clyde doesn’t like to swim…”

“Good, he shouldn’t be dragging his crap sack through the pool anyway.”

Blue eyes went wide and he gasped in horror. “You shouldn’t say that, Eric! It’s so mean!”

“When have I ever cared if what I say is cruel or not? Doesn’t mean it’s not true. It’s bad enough when the kindergarteners piss in the deep end, I don’t wanna see a highschooler’s shit floating around.”

Butters clenched his fists effeminately. “That wouldn’t even happen, Eric! I don’t know why you’re so angry. He can’t help it, you know. You should try being a little more understanding…”

“You guys wanna play Chicken?” Stan called out with Wendy perched on his shoulders. “Token and Red are playing too.”

“It’ll be fun!” Wendy added with a laugh.

“Let’s do it Eric!” Butters exclaimed excitedly.

Before Cartman could make any protest the blonde was climbing onto his shoulders. Butters squealed as he tried to push Wendy over. His strategy was to take out the weaker party first, and then it would just be him and Red. He didn’t count on Wendy having an expert sense of balance, and he should have known the star quarterback could keep a strong hold on her. Cartman grunted as water splashed into his mouth. “C’mon Butters! Just grab her tits!”

“Like hell you will!” Stan snapped. He lunged forward and Wendy put her arms out. Cartman’s weight wasn’t much of a handicap in the water so he was able to glide out of the way, causing Wendy to crash into Red. Token was a tall boy, a little over six feet, so his balance was easily destroyed and the pair went tumbling into the water.

“Sorry Red,” Wendy laughed apologetically and shrugged. Stan quickly pivoted and Wendy found herself face to face with Butters. “You’re going down Marjorine!” she proclaimed with a smirk. Their hands clasped together and their elbows bent outward as the final match began.

Being only inches apart Stan noticed the red color growing on Eric’s cheeks and his bothered expression. “You okay, dude?”

“Fine…” he grumbled. This was hardly true. Cartman was finding it increasingly difficult to ignore Butters’ smooth wet thighs rubbing against his ears, not to mention the boy’s dick bumping into the back of his head. He was growing impatient with both the fight and himself. If the fight would just end then he wouldn’t have to endure these retarded sensations. Of course, if he would just get a fucking grip he wouldn’t be so hot and bothered.

“ERIC!”

The high-pitched cry was the last thing he heard before falling beneath the surface in a frenzy of bubbles and tangled limbs. Cartman was lost in a haze for the next few hours. He wasn’t sure what the cause was. Maybe he swallowed too much chlorine or maybe he hit his head on the bottom of the pool. He might have had too much to drink. He’d be damned though if it was because of hormones. Cartman briefly recalled Kenny herding everyone back into the house. Fuzzy images of people crying, laughing, and doing retarded actions lead him to believe a game of Truth or Dare had been played. Bottles of Vodka were passed around and he watched different groups of people take drinks every few seconds. I Never he concluded, though he never touched the bottle given to him because his stomach was still hot and his head was still swimming.

“Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? Spin it.”

This was the first clear and coherent sentence to enter Cartman’s ears. He looked at Kenny who was sitting beside him and making spinning motions with his fingers. And he was naked. What the hell? Ghetto faggot… he wasn’t sure if the words actually left his mouth. Cartman glanced at his watch. 2:17 AM.

“Spin the fucking bottle!”

“Shut your fucking whore mouth Kenneh!” Without thinking Cartman actually reached out and spun the empty Vodka bottle. He looked up to see the circle made up of some twenty odd kids; the ones who hadn’t passed out yet. There was a round of giggles when the bottle stopped aimed at Butters. Of all the people it could have landed on. At this point Cartman would almost rather kiss the Jew. A tiny gasp escaped the small boy and he turned a bright pink. Cartman sighed heavily and moved forward. Might as well get this done and over with.

Their lips crashed together inelegantly. One mewled while the other grunted. Cartman could taste the watermelon lip balm Butters wore. The kiss was only supposed to last a few seconds, but instead of pulling away Cartman’s weight shifted down. Suddenly they were both on the floor. The small one started to struggle a little, but Cartman wasn’t having that. One of his hands pushed on a sinuous hip and the other grabbed one of those smooth soft thighs. A groan echoed from deep in his chest. Just when he started getting into the kiss a fist collided violently with his jaw. Cartman rolled across the floor.

“What the hell, Donovan?!” he barked once he saw who’d hit him.

“What do you think you’re doing, Cartman?!” Clyde glared viciously at the fat one. His hands were rigid and he made a mental gesture off his temple. “You think I’m just going to let you fuck with Marjorine like that?!”

“It’s a game, Donovan.”

“That’s the problem! You think everything is a game! Are we just pawns you get to torture on some sadistic joyride? Marjorine isn’t a toy! He’s got real emotions that you just can’t seem to leave alone!”

Cartman stood up, laughing angrily. “You know what? I’m so sick and tired of everyone playing into his fantasy. Marjorine? Are you kidding me? Do you even remember Marjorine? She was a fugly little disguise made from a two-cent wig and a rag doll dress!” He pointed at Butters who was still lying on the floor. “If this little shit wants to be a gay homosexual then that’s fine, but he shouldn’t try to hide behind some pathetic alias. Last time I checked, his name was Leopold ‘Butters’ Stotch and I’m not going to call him anything else. He’s still a pathetic little faggot not mater what I call him.”

“You fat son of a bitch!” Clyde lunged forward with his fists up; however Cartman saw him coming so he was the first to strike. Clyde fell back into Token’s arms, who had jumped up to catch him.

“This is my parents’ house. If you two are gonna fight then get out.”

Clyde just shouted angrily and ran in for another attack. He landed a hit this time by ramming his shoulder in Cartman’s chest. A large hand slammed into his face and pushed him back. Cartman was about to strike again, but Butters got in the way.

“Eric, stop!”

It was too late. The frail body was shoved to the floor and he landed square on the empty Vodka bottle. Butters screamed as the glass shards embedded themselves in his arm. He cried when he started to bleed on the carpet.

“Jesus Christ!”

“Marjorine! Oh my God…”

“Look at what you did!”

“Get him off the floor!”

“What do we do?”

“Isn’t somebody going to call 911?”

Stan rubbed his forehead. “Shit… this is the ninja star thing all over again. When are you going to learn to control your temper, Cartman?” Stan looked where Cartman had been standing just moments before, but he was nowhere to be found.